When Life Changes: Why Even Good Transitions Can Feel Hard

Have you ever had something happen that you were genuinely excited about and then found yourself thinking, “Why am I not handling this better?”

Maybe you moved to a new city. Started college or graduate school. Got a new job. Got married. Had a baby. Became an empty nester. Or simply found yourself in a new season of life that you hadn’t quite anticipated. You wanted the change. Maybe you worked really hard for it. And yet you can still feel anxious, overwhelmed, sad, irritable, exhausted or find yourself constantly second-guessing your decisions.

But here’s the thing: you can be happy about a change and still struggle with it. In fact, I think we underestimate how hard transitions can be. Your routines change. Your expectations change. Your responsibilities change. Sometimes even your sense of who you are changes.

Starting college might mean gaining incredible independence that you’ve waiting for and still feeling sad when your parents leave.

You can love your new job and still feel like an imposter for the first few months.

You can be thrilled to become a parent and still grieve parts of your old life.

You can love your partner and still feel anxious and unsure about marriage.

Even positive transitions require adjustment. And adjustment takes energy.

It’s okay to have mixed emotions.

One of the things I wish more people understood is that there isn’t a “correct” emotional response to a life transition. We tend to think our emotions should match the situation. But emotions don’t work that way.

I’ve been through my own share of transitions over the years—personally, professionally, and as my family has grown and changed. I’ve started over, taken on new roles, moved countless times,  learned new things, and had plenty of moments where I’ve thought, Oh no!…this is not exactly how I pictured this going.

And I’ve learned that sometimes you can be completely certain that you’ve made the right decision and still miss what your life looked like before. That’s not necessarily a sign that you’ve made the wrong choice. It may simply mean you’re human.

But when does “I’m having a hard time” become “I need some help”?

Not every difficult transition requires treatment. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give yourself time. Get some sleep. Move your body. Eat regularly. Spend time with people who make you feel like yourself. Establish some routines. Talk to someone. Give yourself permission to not have everything figured out immediately.

But sometimes a transition can trigger or uncover anxiety or depression that goes beyond a normal adjustment period. It may be time to consider talking with a mental health professional when you notice that:

• Your anxiety or sadness is becoming more intense rather than improving.
• You’re having trouble functioning at work or school.
• You’re withdrawing from people or activities you normally enjoy.
• You’re not sleeping—or you’re sleeping constantly.
• You’re worrying so much that it’s difficult to be present in your actual life.
• You’re feeling persistently hopeless, overwhelmed, or unlike yourself.
• Your symptoms are affecting your relationships.
• You’re finding that the strategies that normally help you cope aren’t enough anymore.

What about medication?

This is another area where I think people sometimes get stuck in an all-or-nothing mindset. Taking medication doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Read that last sentence again if you need to!

And starting medication doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be taking it forever. Medication isn’t the right choice for everyone, and there are many ways to support your mental health. Therapy, exercise, sleep, social connection, and healthy routines can all be incredibly important. However, sometimes anxiety or depression gets to a point where it’s making it difficult to do those things—or even difficult to function in life. That’s when medication may be worth considering.

Sometimes medication is an important long-term treatment. Sometimes it provides support during a particularly difficult period while you work through things and get your feet back on the ground.

Give yourself some room to be new at this.

We’re often much harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. We expect ourselves to immediately know how to navigate a new job, a new city, a new relationship, a new role, or a new stage of life. Life transitions are rarely as neat as they look from the outside or on social media. You can be excited about where you’re going while missing where you’ve been.

So if you’re in the middle of a transition right now and you’re finding it harder than you expected, try giving yourself a little grace. You don’t have to figure everything out at once. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine because this was a change you wanted. You don’t have to have all of the answers right out of the gate. And you certainly don’t have to navigate it alone. There is no prize for struggling silently.